just wrote on a church. and then stalked a boy, by the way, i fucked him. him being your friend, also, love tacos.
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
So much rum. So many feels.
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
Randomize
