I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
