I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Randomize
