I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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