Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
Randomize
