Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
hooking up with chicks might be the way to go after all. walk of shame looks better in her clothes.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
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