I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Randomize
