mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
Randomize
