I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
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