All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Randomize
