I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
Randomize
