i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Randomize
