So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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