This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
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