I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
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