i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
Randomize
