Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
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