Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize
