took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
Randomize
