So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
Randomize
