You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
I think I just shit out all my problems.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize
