My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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