apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
Randomize
