I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
