That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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