Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
Randomize
