i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
Randomize
