i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Randomize
