Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
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