Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
Ryan Reynolds porn could be a WMD. Have a giant TV on the front of your tank, and just drive around playing it. Everyone dies of orgasm overload.
That's it. Iraq is done. Everyone dies, game over man.
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
