No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Randomize
