Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
Randomize
