Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
Randomize
