put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
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