if you're gona send my txt to that site at least change my area code plz
first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
