cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Omg I joined a choir last night...
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
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