tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Randomize
