I think I just saw someone hide a body.
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
