Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
I queefed so loud it echoed.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
