im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
Randomize
