i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Randomize
