At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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