she looked like the before picture.
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
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