Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Randomize
