I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
