I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
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