I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
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