I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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