he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
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