if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
