I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
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