Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
Randomize
